It’s all a Blur

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I befriended someone last week. He asked me for my age. I said I was nineteen, and that I’ll be turning twenty in about two and a half months. When I said “tu-went-tee”… I don’t know why but I got really terrified by the thought.

I froze.

I went silent.

I don’t usually think much about how every passing day symbolises a day less on this Earth but right there and then, it was as if it finally dawned on me that I’ll soon have lived one fifth of a century.

Who knew emotions and memories could warp your sense of time passing?

“We all have our time machines.  Some take us back, they’re called memories.  Some take us forward, they’re called dreams.” – Jeremy Irons

Tons of thoughts raced through my mind then…

I started worrying about the possibility that I may have not fully achieved all of which I could have possibly achieved. Sometimes I read about stories which centre around a really young individual exerting a great change in this world and  I’d realise how what I’ve done cannot be compared to how much positivity they’ve contributed to humanity.

I fear that as I mature, form a new and different identity, choose my own path in life and establish new relationship, that I’d experience the separation from parents and other individuals who have offered me some sense of security.

I fear that I may not be heading in the right direction.

I fear that I may be spending my life doing something I am not meant to be doing.

I fear that I may be throwing away time that I’ll never ever get back...

I fear that old me would look back on life and regret – regret that she did not truly utilise the time she was blessed with on Earth… that she had lived a live that will be forgotten.

I fear that taking baby steps is hindering me from the progress I could be having.

I fear I fear I fear…

… and then I realise that little things will add up.

Little things make big things happen.

Xx

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